Who helped me at 2am?

Another Sunday is here and until a few moments ago I didn’t realize that Sundays have unofficially become my 🎉BLOG POST DAY🎉 I started this journey at the end of November 2014 (just the other day) and today March 15th, 2015 marks my 15th post thus far. Golden birthday much? 🎁

Unfortunately I didn’t quite get chance to plan this huge great mind-blowing piece and invite content about anything that is anything (my metaphoric way to compare celebrating your golden birthday with my writing). Instead, I was laying in bed listening to Etta James – “All I can do was cry” and decided to write some thoughts down. I figured it would make better use of my time than eating all those unhappy meals  I ordered for my pity party -a party for one that I’ve been having in my head all week. (Lets just say I had a really hard past week. I won’t get into all those details now, maybe I’ll share in a later post, maybe.) 😔

On to the main event.

So last night, rather this morning, I woke up at 2 am and couldn’t fall back asleep. For three hours straight I cried, I prayed, I massaged my temples in hopes of soothing my headache and role-played a lot that happened during my work week but nothing seemed to help. My thoughts just continued running wild and I didn’t know what to do beside write it all down.

Most of them were quite pessimistic thoughts so I deleted those. Some, however, I needed to write down to remind myself of my purpose in life – where I want to go and what I want to achieve. Some were even about ways to improve my blog.

At the end of each blog post I am going to recommend a book. We’ll call it KayReads. I’m an avid reader and I encourage everyone, no matter your sex or age to make reading a part of your lifestyle. I’m currently reading “Lots of Candles and Plenty of Cake” by Anna Quindlen

  • No its not about a birthday party.
  • Please google her – she’s amazeballs

I’ll suggest a new book each post and in turn I encourage you share your thoughts/opinions of the book in the comments section. Sounds easy enough right?

When I got tired of writing and still couldn’t fall asleep I decide to watch YouTube vids. No not music videos but vlogs. I recently re-discovered Maya Washington aka Shameless Maya – youtuber/artiste/voice talent etc. If you’ve never heard of her I suggest you check her out.

https://www.youtube.com/user/shamelessmaya

She’s all about self promotion and her brand is #shameless. To her, being shameless means being fearless, being confident, being free, not ashamed to be who you are and to celebrate your talent, celebrate you with the world by working hard and taking risks. I felt like she was speaking to me about being creative and putting myself out there. I felt like she understood my fears and I could identify with being a dreamer too. After watching tons of her YouTube vids – she’s now my new obsession until further notice.

Like I said I was up for hours… so in addition to writing and watching YouTube videos, I still didn’t fall asleep. I needed more. I needed the word of God. More than reading it myself, I needed explanation and encouragement so I visited my brother in the Lord Pastor John Gray – no we’ve never met in real life but this man inspires me as a young person to trust in the Lord and focus on having a relationship with him rather than just seeking results from him in time of need.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=pastor+john+gray

Pastor John Gray is an Associate Pastor at Lakewood Church, Houston, Texas (Joel Osteen’s church) He is a comedian,singer and mighty man of God. Every Wednesday night he preaches on this series called Destiny [something]

  1. Destiny Doors
  2. Destiny Clues
  3. Destiny Treasures
  4. Last night I watched the last of it – Destiny shifts.

I mentioned all of these things to you because I’m sure I’m not the only one who can’t sleep at 2 am sometimes because your mind or heart is heavy. Depending on the situation, some of us opt for calling a loved one at 2am. I’ve been there. I’ve called a loved one once or twice. I’ve even called the one I thought I loved once or twice or tooo many times lol but I’ve realized that no one can change my circumstance but me.

We all go through things and despite how our Instagram may look, when you remove those filters, our lives aren’t perfect. So I felt sad at 2 am, nothing is wrong with that. Guess what, I got up this morning and felt better. I wrote this post and included links (intentionally) to encourage someone else today.

If you remember nothing else from my rambling remember this: Never let depression/defeat/fear win.

I’ve learnt, actually, I’m learning rather, that disappointment is all part of the journey. It isn’t over yet and until I achieve ALL that I set out to do, I’m going to confidently, fearlessly and continuously promote myself in pursuit of accomplishing my goals because my destiny has already been written.

So what if my readership is probably five people (maybe that’s pushing it.. I’m sure I can count on two people to read my blog – they know themselves) but that’s okay. I’ll continue writing like if I’m addressing an audience of thousands until I get there.

So what if I didn’t get a YES the first time to something I asked for.. that’s okay too. Sometimes God doesn’t give us the answer we want. Sometimes he says NOT YET! I’m learning to be patient and trust his timing.

So what if my job is crappy (actually my job is easy and my pay is better than many) but there are people with the bitchiest attitudes that makes my job crappy. I’ve learnt that there are so many people out there who’s praying for the life that I’m complaining about. When I think about all the people without jobs (which means without money to support themselves and their kids) I know I need to be thankful for what I have.

This is my first job and every day is a learning experience. I’ve leant and I’m slowly beginning to accept that life never goes the way we plan it and for someone who plans and imagines and dreams and create my own realities in my head as much as I do that’s a hard truth to swallow.

I discover something new about myself each day. I’ve learnt to be patient, interact/deal with different personalities – more bad than good, be organized, not procrastinate, dress professionally, communicate at a corporate level, see tasks to its completion, become more computer savvy and smile through the hard days. As for becoming a morning person (by force), being able to separate my personal life from business (never fall for someone you work with) and budget my money – I’m still learning.

I’m still uncertain of what my future hold but I’m living in the moment, bursting with hope and blind faith, believing that what is meant for me will be and I will be as happy as I am successful.

For you it may not be writing but it may be something else. Whatever the goal(s) are just keep at it. Whatever you’re going through, its ok to go through it, you aren’t alone but don’t let that thing win.

Affirmations are also important! Speak positive things into your life. We’ll do it together.

Today we’ll start with: I am going to achieve my goals! I’m going to get a YES!

And whenever you can’t sleep at 2 am… remember there’s always someone or something to help you through.

KayReads 📚

BOOK 1: THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz

5 Comments Add yours

  1. I totally understand how you feel, girl. Been there: done that!! I have highs and lows too. I often feel guilty when I fixate on the things that I don’t have. Because I’m #blessed with a lot of opportunities so focusing on my single boy status seems silly. I just try to tell myself that I’m justified in my feelings because I’m allowed to feel the way I feel when I feel it. 🙂

    Like

  2. Chad says:

    Needing Help at 2am
    You won’t believe this Kay, but when I read this I felt nothing but admiration for you…. “So last night, rather this morning, I woke up at 2 am and couldn’t fall back asleep. For three hours straight I cried, I prayed, I massaged my temples in hopes of soothing my headache and role-played a lot that happened during my work week but nothing seemed to help”…. and possibly a little envious that this can happen to you…and I will tell you this Kay, it’s a blessing that you can actually feel this way.
    This is not something to destroy, but something to cultivate. You don’t know how many times I have literally prayed to God asking him… “God, will I ever cry again, will I ever care so much that it touches a human emotion within me, will I ever love sooooo much, that when hindered, I feel pain, hate, depression or misery of some sort?” why am I this cold way? Why don’t I care about the world spinning under my feet in my every day life?…
    My advice to you is that you should not try to get rid of yourself, do not think that anything is wrong with it? it is noting to be ashamed of, it is something that should be cherished. You are lucky that you even give a damn so much that you are bothered out of your sleep at 2am.
    That’s why, I wish I were you…

    Chad

    Like

  3. Chad says:

    Shameless Maya – this one will be long

    Hahaahahahaahaaa…. This is a tall order….and as a note, be 100% sure that you are willing to go through what this entails…. let me explain I will begin with this…and trust me… I have a million points to include from about 6 yrs old… to present…
    .
    Being shameless, to me, is a personality trait that can be seen from a very very tender age. I am not sure if it is learnt or if it is natural…but trust me… I am an expert at this…lol!!.
    Doing something without shame doesn’t happen just like that. I am shameless… I can handle rejection to the fullest and still be persistent… I can handle embarrassing situations and turn it around successfully, I can even handle insults very very well….but this did not happen just so…use your imagination with the following and tell me if it devastates you or not… I will give you 3 experiences to consider…oh…and one note here – My mom quit her job to raise her family…just keep that note in the back of your mind….here we go…

    1. You are about 8ish – most popular on your street…all the kids follow your lead…they all come over to your house to play every day…all the parents as well (aunty this and aunty that) socializing with your mother, you do some crap..(as usual)..mother cuts your backside with “Laro” (a leather belt with your name on it – and specially crafted for you)…as soon as you receive your strokes…still crying…you are forced to go back and play with all the same kids that just witnessed the cut tail…tears still streaming down your face. What would you have done?

    2. You are about 13ish – you fall in love with a teenage girl on your street, she is a Goddess in your eyes and you will do anything to impress her – she is 6 year older than you…one day, the Goddess of beauty is out in the veranda looking onto the boulevard. You spot her and decide that you will impress her with a bmx stunt on the street…you pull the front brakes while riding at 100miles per hour (ok exerageration here, but you get the point), your back wheel raises up, kicks you over the bike, your pants hooks in the front bars of the bike and rips your pants completely off and sends you flat on your face…you get up..in pain, pants less and she is laughing uncontrollably…you pick up your pants…walk your bike back home…lick my wounds and shower …my mom asks that I drop a package for aunty Dian immediately (Goddess’s mother)…what would you have done?

    3. You are about 16 – of course popularity will follow you no matter what…and your friend gets you and your best friend into a prime night club…you lose track of time…you’re on the couch in the club with two ladies you just met and your best friend is dancing with a chick in front of the mirror…Your mom enters the club fully knowledgeable of the fact that you are there, after interrogating one of your other comrades sworn to protect your secret with his life (he is alive and kicking at the moment)…what would you have done?

    The point here is that to be shameless, you have to be placed in unexpected genuinely shameless situations and I mean unexpected. its not like you get up and say, I will no longer feel embarrassed…its something that you have to handle whenever they unexpectedly appear. This gets better and better as you have real live experiences with it…over and over…and see how you deal with it…not fictitious ones.

    Like

  4. Chad says:

    Disappointed

    You are disappointed Kay? Oh really… compare to this….

    My disappointments:

    1. I was not named Chad.
    2. I do not own a property in Hawaii
    3. The one woman that I knew for sure loved me whit all her heart suffered a stroke and died.
    4. The one woman that I knew I loved with all my heart, dumped me on the night of our engagement ceremony (she never showed – my family flew in for that moment and my priest was there also). I was 19 years at the time.
    5. The girl that I currently love tells me that we will never ever ever be together almost every single day…and sometimes if feel as if she despises me….recently she refused to accept her favorite food (plantain) from me although she was feeling for it for some days now…yet.. I continue. (I can handle rejection very well…so no stress)
    6. I started saving for a future to follow through on my plan to present to that same girl who did not even have one plantain from me, a life that she is accustomed to or possibly better….and recently I lost quarter of that money to something that I did in the past and it came back to haunt me a month ago… I cried for an hour and called my dad while crying. I thought that finally there was something to bring back warmth in my world. The next day he came to my work and gave me some money, knowing fully well that I am an extremist. Thanks Dad!
    7. I have zero people reading my blogs and zero people I can count on to read my blogs. Yet I am happy like pappi….

    So there you have a little peek, nothing major…but just giving you some things to think about at 2am when you feel like getting out of your beauty sleep to take on your disappointments. (would have love to see the pessimistic list you spoke of though)

    Like

  5. Chad says:

    Wrap up

    Moral of the story…be you!
    Know who you are and do everything in alignment to that person. if you are not a shameless person, don’t try to be, you may lack the experience and risk a catastrophe. if you are full of shame, then Kay, try your best to do everything to protect that trait….in other words,

    Don’t disobey your mother, especially if she loves you like crazy and has no flippin shame herself.
    Don’t do a risky bike stunt just to impress some person you think you are head over heels in love with.
    Don’t disobey your mother, especially when your friends are in total fear of her to the point where they will drop you like a hot potatoe in a heart beat.

    Always be a prepared as you can be –
    Don’t take risks
    Be smart about things, think first.
    Fear God
    Love someone that loves you
    Be preventative rather than curative
    Rely on what you know and grow your knowledge base.
    Obey your parents. they know best and will try to protect you as much as possible….and so on and so on….

    Be You!!! Full of Shame!!!

    There is a saying that the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence….remember that saying and it will guide you.

    Maybe that’s the reason I envied you in the first place…because you are totally opposite to me.

    Secondly, be thankful that you are smart enough to pray whenever you feel down or depressed. Prayer will give you a whole new feeling inside and God will show you the way. What I do, is tell myself that if I get through this, I can get through tougher and I will not let the situation beat me because I am in charge.

    Chad – living in Hawaii (all in my head girl, all in my head!!)
    .

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s