Disappointment is part of the journey

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I haven’t written here in a while (last blog post was five Sundays ago to be exact… my apologies for that.) Sometimes, life tends to get in the way and you have to find/make time to get things done again. So here I am…technically Monday morning making time for what matters most to me: my writing.

I planned to start much earlier. It was a cool Sunday evening and I had it all figured out or so I thought. My laptop was plugged in and I was ready to blog. My iPad was playing my favourite Youtube playlists, and I had my iPhone at hand searching for new inspirational books online when I started having technically difficulties. As with everything else in life, I was faced with a bump in the road, today it was in the form of internet troubles. After hours of feeling like a fish out of water (with no internet access) my net finally decided to start working again at approximately 10:30pm. I, however, gave up a few hours before that.

Fast forward to present: Everyone’s in bed, lights off, rain is falling, but I can’t sleep because there are too many thoughts racing through my mind at the moment.

There are dreams inside of me that I haven’t even dreamt yet but sometimes when it’s really quiet, I can feel them moving around in my heart and hear them whispering in my head.

I’m a dreamer and an insomniac so being up this hour isn’t unusual. However, disappointment has clouded my thoughts and that’s what I’ve decided to write about. Yes, at 2:45am the only encouraging/positive subject I can think/write about is Disappointment.

You see I recently got hit in the face (feels more like knock the hell down) with some extremely disappointing news. Let me put it this way: I had a dream/goal for some time now and got the opportunity to pursue it last year. I went through a long process to attain it, even had to endure a test. I was now near the finish line just waiting to see the crowd cheering beyond the red tape, trophy awaiting me and confetti to celebrate my victory. Then, in the blink of an eye it was over. And by over I mean I did not win the race, no gold medal, no victory dance. I was left disappointed and defeated to say the least.

After some days of crying, however, I decided that I won’t let it defeat me. My race isn’t over. My dream is still clear. I have to compete again. The Olympic Games are held every four years (thankfully I don’t have to wait that long) I’m going to try this again in a few months. In the meantime, I intend to regroup and improve my craft. I need to get out there. I believe I have what it takes, I just lack the experience. The next race will be mine.

Now it may seem like I have it all figured out but that’s easier said than done. I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not one to take disappointment well (who does?) As a matter of fact, I was more than ready to give up a few days ago. Even now, if you ask what my new plan is, I probably wont be able to give you an answer as yet. I’m working on it. What I do know is that throughout life, you’ll be faced with many disappointments. Perhaps, you’re like me and dealing with one right now. It’s not a nice feeling I know, but standing strong in the face of disappointment, picking yourself up after you’ve been knocked down and finishing the race is as important as the reason you started in the first place.

I don’t have all the answers. (I wish I at least had a hint trust me.) I just felt like I would be able to find some healing by writing about what I’m currently facing. This is by no means professional advice that I’m giving here. It isn’t a twelve step program where you’re guaranteed to feel better or magically see results at the end. But, maybe, just maybe when you read this just like I’ve read from others, you can find comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone and we all go through the same thing. We aren’t failures. We’re learning and we’re growing and we’re getting better.

Disappointment is part of the journey. I think that’s my lesson of the day.

Never be afraid of failure or disappointment, because those are just temporary experiences on the path to your dreams coming true.

Pick yourself up and try again. You’re allowed to go through the motions, but don’t let disappointment keep you down. Take some time but don’t take forever. Lets start planning a new Day 1.

See you at the next finish line!

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Chad says:

    I have waited patiently to find a quiet moment to comment on this. I just realized that what the hell, just as I give advice about procastination, I should take my own. Just do it. Don’t procrastinate, when you procrastinate, you may miss an opportunity. Just DO IT!!!…..

    so here I am…. JUST DOING IT!!….

    ok…now where do I start??….hmmmmm….let me see…. I will start at the most outstanding sentence in your entire blog….which in this case happens to be your penultimate…. “Lets start planning a new Day 1″…..a very very interesting and inspirational sentence….let me tell you why….

    but before I do….please note that this topic is a very hot topic for me…as I can distinctly remember…and I mean remember in detail, 26,000 seriously seriously disappointing moments in my life so far…where half of that number represents repeat disappointments, 40% of the remaining 130 represent triple defeats and 30% of the remaining 78 represents quadruple defeats and the rest quintuplets. The majority of them related to sports, zero related to girls…(I’m just to handsome, charming and charismatic for that…in fact, in some circles I am described as the perfect specimen of the male species….- just saying…)…anyhow…getting back to the issue at hand…you will be introduced to one of my 26,000 serious disappointments and I will find one that matches almost exactly to this one…then I will elaborate on what I did next.

    oh yea…one other thing about the statistics….its a question though for you to answer Kay Marie or whoever else may read this… – what do my statistics tell you about me? I will give you my interpretation at the end – Hint (its 4 words)

    Day 1

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  2. Chad says:

    So…let us now investigate the importance of the penultimate sentence…with key focus on the terminology – Day 1.

    Day 1 is a part of all our lives and it comes sometimes with a lot of anticipation and emotion, but for the other times when we do not really plan for it, we pass it by without a care in the world. Kay Marie you are right…the Day 1’s that you plan for are truly the best Day 1’s ever…they take you to the top of the world and back and bring purpose to life like you never imagined…so let’s really start planning some Day 1’s and begin our beautify sometimes bitter sweet journeys.

    So let’s examine the difference….Just as the anticipated birth of a new born child, or the taking of the vow before man and God to become married to your select partner, or the excitement to begin your dream career, or the anxiety to sit your first exam, or the excitement to drive your first car…..these are all events that begin with a planned Day 1. On the other hand some Day 1’s are not planned and so we just overlook the emotion and anxiety. For example, yesterday was rain was pouring cats and dogs, and it caught me on my way to work. I stopped while rushing to work and purchased an umbrella out of severe necessity and didn’t even stop for a second to think that this is a Day 1 with my new umbrella, or this is Day 1 of me getting to and from work without getting wet if rain falls. It was of no consequence for me because I really did not plan to purchase the umbrella or to begin a life in the dry when getting to and from work…. however, when I purchased my car to do the same thing….I was excited as hell.

    The point is…everything begins with Day 1….and the sooner you respect the significance of that Day and the joy it brings, no matter what…then you are missing a big part of life. That day when the Chinese man from Bavarian Motors told me to get my a– out of the BMW and to scram before he pours honey all over my poor black ass and hog tie me to an ant nest in Africa….Day 1 began for me right there and there…after shaking of course the vivid images of leaving this earth through the backside of an ant (what a flippin horrible way to leave the earth… I mean…who was this guy and why were his thought processes so screwed up..what’s his real story…of all things he wants me to leave this world as ant poo, what a character!!!) ….anyway, it wasn’t easy after Day 1, but I made up my mind that I will have the sweet victory of the other Day 1..which was driving the exact same BMW with my name written on the Certified Copy… I suffered tremendously, I had to swallow my huge pride, I had to sacrifice, I had to sweat, bleed and cry (on the inside), but in the end…it was worth it…. I came home with the cheddar. I had my big Day 1….and I planned it to the last T.

    It is ok to be anxious, anticipative, afraid and filled with joy when beginning any new journey, but never forget where any journey starts, where any first step begins, where any marriage happens, where any new invention develops…on the most important day in the world…

    DAY 1….!!!

    Now for sharing a page out of my book.

    2002 San Fernando Technical Institute – Business Management – Financial Accounting.

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  3. Chad says:

    2002 San Fernando Technical Institute – Business Management – Financial Accounting…
    the note really doesn’t end there….it should really be….

    2002 San Fernando Technical Institute – Business Management – Financial Accounting – GRADE C

    OMG!!!!….ok…let me start from the top…then you will understand much better….

    Chad started off his life in education differently to all others….he started school at the normal age but because of his extraordinary abilities he quickly advanced much faster through the ranks…then he started using a medicinal herb…(cannabis Sativa)…and developed “enhanced photographic memory”…and from that moment onwards, life simply changed for him….school got too easy…and he decided to challenge himself by earning money first, educational growth second…and of course girls with hand bags and not book bags…(more of a challenge – more risk – more reward – more status among peers – more worshipers).

    Fast forward….Chad turns 16 1/2 and already he is out of college thinking what next. Although accepted to go further in education…he declined that approach behind everybody’s back and found a job….(btw…all the time Chad parents are of the firm belief that he is going to the University of their choice – this time Chad is really working for an income for his at the time love of his life’s father – yeh the same girl who turned him down on his engagement night)….anyhow…eventually Chad was caught…(God damn it Mom…isn’t it about time you get a job and stop meddling in your grown children’s business and then drawing it to Daddy’s attention)….Chad’s Dad immediately kicked into action when he found out that the University will not accept me at this late and cashed in a favor…. vwala…Chad has no other choice but to get his rasclat back into a school environment….plus oh so loving Granny enticed him by promising to give her loving cute little Grandson a car…….(gosh boi…back to chasing girls with book bags instead of purses…steups!!)…but Sando Tech…here I come…(Vroom Vroom)

    Ok…so to the crux of the matter – so to speak – Financial Accounting – Grade C

    My last year in the school, I was introduced for the first time to Financial Accounting. I skipped this all through my school years at any serious level. I had a little back ground and didn’t really bother with the subject much… I knew how to make money…and always believed that I should hire and Accountant to do all that kind of work for me….but 5pm a Monday Afternoon, I walked it my first Financial Accounting Class…and something happened…My teacher was gorgeous…and here lied an opportunity…..more so…A Challenge – “Impress the teacher – she had a purse – rise above my peers – become the God of the classroom – regain my status”…BINGO….

    I love Financial Accounts.

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  4. Chad says:

    I love Financial Account….

    Now let me be clear….I really started out pretending to love Financial Accounts only to do the incredible…just to impress my peers…and of course complete a personal challenge in line with that crappy pact that I made in secondary school with the gang (remember ole Timothy, Brozzy, Dwane, and Dane?)…well something like that….

    Anyhow, what started off like that actually backfired and ended up with me really and truly falling in Love with doing financial Accounting….I mean…it was sooo flipping weird that when looking back, I really cannot explain the 360 degree turn…. I really cannot, but one thing I can tell you is that if anyone knows me personally who is reading this, they will tell you how I become when I love something/someone or I simply think that I have to get something… I become totally unreasonable, addicted and to a very very large extent…totally OBSESSED in achieving that goal. I am what you may call an extremist cubed…. I mean there simply is absolutely no shade of grey, yellow, orange, blue, pink etc…There is only Black or White….full stop.

    Now that you have a little grasp of the situation, let’s take a dive into this lack of grey scenario…

    Lack of Grey – Kay Marie, I was literally eating, sleeping and breathing Financial Accounts…in the class we worked with a book that we all referred to as “Frank Wood” because that is what was written big and bold on the cover of the book…we used the blue Frank Wood alone for the semesters ahead…but Mr. extremist Chad however, purchase all, the blue version, the green version and the orange workbook…. I worked out every single question in the blue version (and I mean Kay Marie…every single single question), when I finished doing that I reworked without looking of course, every single example that the book provided as a guide within the chapters…and I did this twice. Then I repeated the same activity for the green version of Frank Wood (each had 500+ pages…just saying) and used out the orange work book.
    Now it didn’t stop there….After that, I went hunting and purchased every single available Past Paper on Financial Accounting (I got 10 years) and did every single question on each (now again, the exam only required that you do 4 out of the 9 questions in 3 hours… but when I say did a Past Paper, I am not talking about doing 4 out of 9… I am saying…I did the full 9 out of 9)….I got so quick at this that I was able to do a past paper (9 out of 9), in 1 1/2 hours…which basically meant that I could have walked into that exam room and completed the exam for 4.5 persons and still finish in the allotted 3 hours. I was sooooo obsessed that from the moment I opened a past paper, just by knowing what question #1 was, I could have told you what questions 2-9 were and how to answer it… I was that good..

    Now don’t think it stops there…..not with a guy like Mr. Chad…. Mr. Over Extreme Chad…had to do more….when all the questions available to mankind were utilized, memorized and exhausted by me… I began to invent questions and put myself to the test of solving. Kay Marie, you won’t believe this, but my activities were becoming sooooo expensive to keep up with, that I made a connect at the printers…. I asked them to sell me at a very very very reduced rate… ALL…their scrap paper… I had a study room adjacent to the dining room that trust me Kay Marie…it was up to the roof with boxes and boxes of paper…. my bedroom as well, which I rarely saw was up to its capacity with paper….I was a one man printer.. and someone adjusted my laser to only produce Account related prints. (I would sometimes sit at my desk and literally go for like 22hrs straight each day for like 4 days straight – only if I had to get up, I got up, Daddy would say goodnight sleep and get back up with me in the same place…hunched over my table with my Accounts book a bread and cheese and a cup of tea…it was an addiction and I knew that at some point they were worried)

    My life was now built around Financial Accounting and I had a routine each day. It was soooooo bad Kay Marie, that I did nothing…and I mean nothing if it got in the way of me achieving my accounts schedule. I played football in the free time Financial Accounts allowed, I visited family and friends within the time frame Financial Accounting allowed, I took a bath in the time Financial Accounting allowed, I had…armmmmm…let’s leave that one out for now…but the point here is clear, my life was centered around Financial Accounting and nothing was being allowed to alter that fact. Things were so bad…and this is how I know that I was out of hand…. I got into trouble with my parents because I was behaving irrational because I wanted to get home to do my shift with Financial Accounting…to the point where they threatened to get rid of all the boxes in my study (Kay Marie… I jumped out of my parents car and traveled home from Rio Claro, broke into the house and started doing my accounts…all because my mother was taking too long visiting her friend whose son was injured kinda badly in an accident… I found she was just talking to flippin much and even though I am friends with the guy… I could not bear it any longer… I had to get home to my love)…. please not that when I love… I really walk the 500 miles…well in this case travel, Rio Claro is like OMG…on a different planet.

    Kay Marie this is no lie, I swear these things happened and I am leaving out a lot of things….imagine, one day to punish me, my mother hid my Accounts books and replaced them with Statistics books and it worked. I washed all the wears in the sink and on top of that, mopped the entire kitchen just to get it back. I was late on my chore that time… for once in my parents lives, they had full control over their only son. Things were in their favor and they were doing everything in their power to keep it that way… I was in school, off the streets, appearing to have a steady relationship and eased up on the smoking….they were in Heaven….and I was in Love.

    But Kay Marie, I learned a valuable lesson from this journey….

    There is a very very very thin line between Love and Hate…. and that little B-tch called Hate comes wearing a flipping Grey dress called DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!

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  5. Chad says:

    The B-tch in the stupid Grey Dress named Disappointment…..

    Well, I guess I started the experience from the end and worked backwards, so I guess you now know how and why I was utterly disappointed at the end of it all. Imagine how you would feel seeing people that you tutored (for free) leaving the school with a grade A or B+ or B or C+….and you are further down the ranks than they are….imagine someone who compares to you as a drop compares to the ocean, unfairly (well to me that’s how it seemed), unfairly being placed in a position to automatically command you to shut your trap in any conversation about Financial Accounting because they are more qualified to give their opinion than you were…and the hard part is that….they would be correct in that judgment call. Imagine how you would feel to know that what you did, how you sacrificed hanging out, girls, friends, football etc. etc…just to complete a routine that you actually loved completing, almost with a guarantee that you would have possibly topped the school with such an effort and in the end, you come home one place above last place…. imagine that…imagine swallowing that kind of disappointment where almost everyone succeeded, yet the master, the teacher, the expert….almost failed.
    Do you know what that does to the psyche? or how much that hurts every joint in your body? How much that angers the spirit? How much that destabilizes the equilibrium in life? How much that destroys the confidence? Steals the swag? Crushes the skull? Breaks the spine? Ruptures the organs? Shreds the flesh? Burns the skin? Poisons the blood? Do you really really know Kay Marie?? Do you??

    Well I know… I really really know….and it is really really really difficult to start back over. In my experience…what was once deemed love….was then and there replaced with pure unadulterated HATE…and HATE without apology… I mean a deep deep deep rooted hate appeared instantly out of no-where…maybe I might better describe it as RANCOR…not even LOATHE is good enough in this case… can you image me after class in groups talking about grades? Can you imagine what I was holding inside…pretending not to be thinking about it?…can you imagine me on my way home…alone…in a car…driving to my destination….can you imagine me walking into my study? or my bedroom? or coming into contact with anything…any word…any object named Frank? or Wood? (I mean gosh man…was the Gods so unforgiving that the only way to describe that flippin book was with a name that every 2 in 3 boys were named….or with the most common base ingredient for many objects?…did the Gods hate me soooo much that of all things the book that burned me most in life was my named after my neghbour…who by the way asked me how much I scored on the Frank Wood exam? My Gosh…just strike me with flippin lightening Zeus and get it over with, give me one pain and end it there if you don’t mind please…. I mean how cruel were these Gods actually….Geeezzzzzeeee)….I can’t Imagine….because really, that part is a big big blurr to me at the moment…I guess I really needed protection from my sub consciousness. it automatically blocked those moments out completely… I truly can’t remember anything from that time…all I know is that one day I woke up in a hospital bleeding from both nostrils…and that was that…I developed writers block for Financial Accounting.

    Fast forward…..UWI begins and Guess how funny life really is Kay Marie….Take a wild guess…. Guess how truly cruel the Gods can be.

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  6. Chad says:

    Cruelty of the Gods.

    University…Here I come….yayyyy!! I’m out that hole and back into the blue.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks….it was as if all the DNA strands in my body got zapped with an invisible yellow ray of light and I for some reason, turned into butter…. And just in that moment of change I was unfortunately standing in the courtyard of the university campus under the hot, blazing, fire like midday sun.
    Maybe even worse than that….maybe it was more like I was automatically teleported in a boxing ring with Mike Tyson for a 12 round heavy weight title match….and they sharpened his teeth with the most advance teeth sharpening mechanism known to mankind….and allowed him to throw punches without the protection of the cushioned gloves.
    Nah… i think it was even worse…it was as if Betty’s father (General Thaddeus E. “Thunderbolt” Ross), picked me up in one of his army helicopters and left me in the middle of the Mexican Jungles with David Banner after I accidently got him angry…
    No.. I think worse than that….it was if I got zapped with the yellow gama rays, right before he left me in the jungle with a soon to be angry David Banner….

    The situation was just indescribable….I had just discovered that Financial Accounting and Cost Accounting were both compulsory courses in order for me to complete my double major – Economics & Management….

    You can imagine now the real real real seriously dramatic situation I was placed into…and an experience that ranked in the top 5 “Chad actually did that” list came following immediately after…. immediately as in just as quickly as the Ace of trump hits the card table after the Jack of trump is played…it was like a wire transfer…it happened with not only speed, but alacrity.

    Kay Marie, it chills me to really know how ingenious I engineer these plans when my black a– is against the wall….what’s even worse is that even though I know for a fact that no sane person would actually execute these kinds of sinister plans, Chad actually executes the creepiest of creepiest (My Gosh, sometimes I really believe that my debt to God is too great to service in this lifetime…God really has to bring me back as a cat next time around). Kay Marie…trust me I went to all lengths, I stretched my imagination to the fullest, I surprised myself, I went too far, I over did, I filled my cup until it runneth over, I did everything in the book to avoid having to sit those exam… and when I say everything…let me be clear….I mean every every single thing, in and out of the book…..from staging my own “kidnapping” to prostituting my body to a female doctor on campus (I mean our legitimate Medical Doctor on the campus grounds in the building just adjacent to LRC..just behind the female C hall)…all of that, just to get away from having to open another book with the words Financial Accounting written somewhere within the pages…even in the fine print.
    But you know what Kay Marie…even though I may not give all the details of that dark series of plans and the uncouth moments involved… when the dust settled and the smoke cleared, what I can tell you is this one thing…
    I graduated with honors – Double Major Economic & Management …and to do so, I had to complete the courses Financial Accounting plus Cost Accounting….and I during that journey, I did have to refresh from the pages of FRANK WOOD…the only book that could have brought me back on track just where I left off…in other words Kay Marie….

    The B-itch in the Grey dress, had to slip into either a black or white one…just for me and just as I commanded her to do….and I……. I had to face the facts that a DAY 1 plan was needed and executed.

    Let’s Wrap up…

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  7. Chad says:

    Wrap up…..

    Ok Kay-Marie…so now you know from a very informed perspective that disappointment is something that even the best of us have to experience in order to move forward in life. It matters not how many things you put in place to avoid disappointment, this is not ours to own, the end result is not ours to command, a higher being dictates this. It is not our will to be done….but thy will.

    The more disappointments in life that you face, equals the stronger your character grows and the tougher, more focused, smarter and appreciative you get. Can you imagine being disappointed 999 times with the same thing and still going on to try for the 1000th time? If the character was weak do you think greatness would have ever been reached? Do you think that everyone has what it takes to invent that light bulb? What would you have done?? Continue to try?? Continue to fail and fail again? Give up??

    Always remember Kay-Marie, that F.A.I.L means – First Attempt In Learning

    What you would have done is what you are doing now….the right thing….keeping focused on the objective. Recognizing the importance of the Day 1…..respecting the importance of disappointment, taking the experience as a mechanism of learning. Improving your character at the same time.

    You once mentioned in one of you blogs Kay-Marie, that you despise the stigma attached to your character (the pretty, rich, spoilt brat that is Kay-Marie….never to be taken seriously…) well now you have shown different. Here you showed all of us that those perceptions are soooooo untrue. You rose to the challenge, you were knocked down, but you got back up….gloves in hand and throwing punches…..even at Mike Tyson or the Incredible Hulk (David Banner)…..how often do you see a “pretty, rich, spoilt brat” do something like that?

    There is a saying in Trinidad…and I am not sure in how many other places that goes as follows….
    – “A poor man can eat fig and salt, but a rich man can’t…he will soon kill himself” –
    the interpretation of that is usually in line with stories like the billionaire industrialist Adolf Merckle…who committed suicide during a financial crisis…he brokered deals that met to his financial demise and he subsequently threw himself in front of a train near his home…(geeezzzzzeeee, I am not flipping doing that crap…boy that is a horrible way to go padner…and besides, I am wayyyyyy to fond of my own a-s to ever do something like that…especially for a billion dollars that I can always get back somewhere in life – I was not born with the billion dollars…I was born with two hands, two feet…well actually three… I leave that third leg discussion for another time….but anyhow…what I was saying is that if you got something already in life…then you do know how to get it back…but then again.. I am the poor man in the saying.. so that explains why there will be no train for me…)… oh yeah…as I was saying…the poor man who grew up eating green fig with some salt for dinner, and ends up acquiring great monetary fortune in life….can always go back to eating fig and salt if he loses his riches….however, the man who was born into riches…and just doesn’t know anything about eating a meal like that before bedtime….will find it absurd and almost insulting to consume such a meal….he may not even be able to stomach it….and so, they usually end up not being able to bounce back in the face of disappointment and start a new Day 1.

    What I am trying to tell you Kay-Marie, is much more than that….you have shown a much deeper side to who you are. You have broken a sacred barrier, in your case because if you ask me, it appears that you have not been disappointed much in life…at least not with things that you have full control over….so saying that you are accustomed to that type of serious disappointed may not be accurate….so in some sense of the word…you more compare to the rich man in the saying above….since you are not the person who knows about the fig and salt…that in itself shows me how you have done the amazing…you have broken the barrier of the local saying’s its intent… you have a stronger character than you give yourself credit for….at least one that is much stronger than Mr. Adolf Merckle.

    So Kay-Marie now you know….because you have demonstrated for us….that whenever you face a disappointment, you face an opportunity to say “thank you”…..thank you for making me a stronger, tougher, wiser, better……and so on and so on…..

    Then plan your Day 1 with a vengeance.

    Now on a separate note: for the 4 words – answer to the question I asked in my first post….remember??

    “it’s a question though for you to answer Kay Marie or whoever else may read this… – what do my statistics tell you about me? I will give you my interpretation at the end – Hint (its 4 words)”

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  8. Chad says:

    “it’s a question though for you to answer Kay Marie or whoever else may read this… – what do my statistics tell you about me? I will give you my interpretation at the end – Hint (its 4 words)”

    apart from the statistical fact that I endured a minimum of 12,198 disappointments where I had to start over at least twice…the primary message in the stats show something….

    4 words – I NEVER GIVE UP….

    and so should you.

    Never give up on your dreams Kay-Marie. you yourself wrote these words in one of your blogs and that is why I am confident that you will see eye to eye with my philosophy. It is not so that you try and fail…defeat only comes when you fail to try.

    On this note Kay-Marie, I wish you all God’s blessings on your future endeavors that start on your Day 1’s and with God on your side….how can you fail. Keep up the good work and if I were allowed to comment on behalf of all your readers…. I would say….we hope to keep reading your work forever and ever….in God’s Name…Amen.

    Chad – Hawaii

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